Pregnancy of gluttony

It all started on vacation when after Mass a nun approached me and looking at my belly, with a nice smile, said she would pray for the baby. I answered truthfully:

It’s a pregnancy of gluttony, Sister.

I didn’t feel light with my heavy belly. Let’s admit it, having a choice, we would rather choose to be slim and slender than obese and squat. I didn’t dream to become Kate Moss, I only wanted to get rid of my ‘pregnancy’. I deduced that the simplest solutions are the most effective. Since I put on weight by eating, I will surely slim down by not eating. And so I stopped guzzling. I was successful for four days, when on the fifth day, through a shop window, I saw (and smelled! What a wonderful smell!) sausage. I simply had to have it. You understand. Besides sausage is healthy. Protein with anticeptic garlic. With a slice of bread, brown bread, of course, it’s more healthy, it’s all fibre and grain, I was persuading myself. In the end I was persuasive enough to eat a fondant (some fat good for my rather inactive intestines, very healthy!). After the ‘fast’ the scales showed I put on 4,4 lbs. I didn’t give up and started Kwaśniewski’s diet, vegetable diet, fruit diet, no carbohydrate diet. The conclusion was: the more I try to slim down, the more I put on.

And then I was offered a cooperation deal with SetPoint. Sink or Swim, I thought, it will not get worse. I weighed 187 lbs, it was 26 lbs too many, the majority placed in my big bulky belly. Besides, what was the worst, I felt pain in my spine and knees. I wasn’t enthusiastic about the first meeting: since I couldn’t slim down by not eating, then how could I do it by eating as Mrs. Alicja Kalińska was trying to persuade me. They measured my height, weight, a nice lady asked me what I liked to eat, which made me very suspicious.

- Will you strike it off my menu? – I asked.

- Just on the contrary – the nice lady answered. Her name was Mrs Englisz and she spoke perfect Polish.

It sounded too good. I was allowed to eat, what’s more, also things that I liked. No one forced a special diet on me, they were preparing it so that it was suitable for me. Hmm. I was waiting for it like for a sentence. I got it two days later. My day were to consist of five meals! My God, I ate that much when I was in kindergarten. After that, if I was able to eat two meals, I was happy. The diet was full of salads, cottage cheese, yoghurts, seasonal fruits. It was deprived of fondants and sausages but full of thin smoked pork sausages, noodles baked with spinach (yummy!), aubergines with chicken (delicious) and other tasty meals. And, miraclously, after a week, I, Alice, became subject to magic and lost 4,4 lbs. From belly! I looked no longer eight but four months ‘pregnant’. I don’t know how this happened because I wasn’t hungry and I was eating my ‘kindergarten’ meals all the time. I cheated once, I admit, when I ate two buns, but my stubborn scales still showed me 4,4 lbs less. After four weeks I lost 11 lbs, after next two it was 15 lbs. I could use public transport without problems and people stopped giving up their place to me because I was ‘pregnant’.

There are so many things you can do without a heavy belly, so many thoughts you may think, and food is the last of them. Let’s admit it, the belly is a good excuse because of which you can’t see (literally and metaphorically) other problems. My dear ladies, forget about our bellies, try not to put on weight. Let’s live!